Musings on marriage - Part 3

Groom hunting. A huge feat and responsibility willingly undertaken by the majority of Indian parents. And it is a hunt. A hunt for the best of the best. But I wondered, who is the prey? The would-be-groom or me? Or both of us? Hard to say isn't it? And my Dad is a master huntsman. I have seen him in action when he searched for a groom for my elder sister. His lists of criteria and checklists are amazing. No comprise on the character, ethics (both personal and work) and lifestyle of the would-be groom. He never leaves any stone unturned. All questions regarding the would-be-groom and his family should be investigated and answered to his exacting standard and satisfaction. No two ways about it. And he is meticulous in this. The level of commitment, time, energy and resources he puts into this is amazing. And Amma is his partner in all of this. Both of them together, well, let’s just say they are a formidable team. Nothing gets past them. As for me, well, I felt humbled and cherished. Nothing but unconditional love for us, their daughters, would have invoked such serious commitment to this entire quest. Duty only takes you so far. I realised that for my dad to get into this the way he did, taking into consideration every possible factor with regard to my future happiness, with pure stubborn ‘no’ to compromise, is him expressing his unconditional love for me. And I was no easy child to love. I can attest to being responsible for most of the grey hairs and lost hairs on my parents’ scalps. But they have never once held that against me. (I know, I have the best parentsJ). So when my dad came to me with a proposal that he is really happy about, I didn't have to worry about the would-be-groom’s character, principles, values, etc. I can honestly say to you that my dad made sure I don’t have to worry about that. He answered all my questions truthfully and disclosed full information on the guy and his family. And I realised, that my dad has given me a gift. In taking on full responsibility to vouch for the would-be-groom’s character profile, I am left to worry only about the compatibility of me and this stranger. All I have to do now is to test if there is any possibility for this stranger, one Mr. Suresh Kumar, and myself to be good life partner to each other. So I ask to speak to this guy before I could give/withhold my consent. I was informed that could be arranged the very next day. “The next day” arrived way too soon.

(to be continued…)

Resume of my niece

I was looking through my old journal the other day and came across this one.... It's not a literary masterpiece, but it's honest and from the heart. I am sure it will bring a smile to your lips or at least a faint trace of it :)  

Name           : Magara Yazhini

Age               : 5 months old

Hobbies       : Feeding, sleeping, crying, peeing and pooping

Excel in        : 1) Making anyone fall in love with me within a few minutes of meeting me.

                        2) Wrapping my chithies around my little finger with just my smile, laugh and even                                  my yawn       

                        3) Bringing peace to anyone who look upon me while I am sleeping.

                        4) Snuggling deep into the embrace of anyone holding me.

Specialise in : Reasserting faith in humanity and all that is good and pure.

                 

Musings on marriage - Part 2

Having established that the success and failure of marriage depend on the two individuals involved, I started wondering about how best to possibly prepare for myself for all eventualities. The stakes are huge in a marriage. Especially for women… We are asked to invest our security, both financial and emotional, into the marriage while the men get off easy. In case of failure, it’s always the women who are left to deal with the causalities. Sure we can draw up pre-nups, we should definitely be clever about protecting our financial security but how do we possibly prepare emotionally for marriage? And then I realised, we can protect ourselves in every which way but one – We cannot possibly insure our emotional security. I had to own up to the irrefutable scary truth – I’d have to entrust someone other than my parents with my heart. I’d have to go out on a limb and invest myself in a relationship with a man, with no guarantee of assured happily-ever-after. And that’s when it hit me – I’d also be entrusting my happiness, my marital happiness with my husband. Unlike my peers, I was born into a large family. With numerous aunts, uncles and cousins I have my own ready-made statistical data to observe and learn from. I have witnessed some of my aunts taking life by the balls and daring fate to break their spirit. They are brave, courageous women who have faced much worse than lousy husbands and stale marriages. So I know for a fact that one’s happiness does not depend upon one’s marriage alone. But here’s the thing, when you get right down to the heart of it, we are all looking for connection. Connection with people… It’s this primitive drive that have pushed us to invent so many words and so many languages, so we can express and understand each other. It’s the reason why we call ourselves social beings. To have a deep, heart felt connection with that one person with whom we have decided to spend the rest of our life is what we all strive to achieve in marriage. And here’s the clinch – The two people involved in a marriage have to take this quest for connection together with honesty, integrity, principles, faithfulness, forgiveness and most important of all, love. And it is a quest for life! All I could think at the time was, “How the heck is my dad going to find this man?!”

Musings on marriage - Part 1

Marriage – Until 4 months ago, I would have told anyone it’s one of the scariest word in all languages. My life is littered with wonderful examples of couples with great marriages and horrible, nightmarish ones too. Here's the most scariest thing of all - There's no logic as to the rules that constitute into a successful and fulfilling marriage. It didn't matter if it's an arranged or love marriage. It doesn't matter if the guy is a decade older than you or just a few years older or even younger than you. It doesn't matter if both are from same or different religious and/or caste backgrounds. It didn't matter if you have common interests or completely different personalities.It really didn't matter if you have lived together before your wedding or not. There are instances of both successful and failed (by failed I not only refer to marriages that fell apart but also marriages where women feel trapped with no other option but to stay with the guy) marriages in all the above mentioned scenarios. Numerous study have been conducted as to what makes a marriage successful. Yet none have been foolproof. It seemed to me that the odds on the success or failure of marriages depend on sheer randomness. An institution that has been around since the birth of Gods, should definitely have a pattern, a series of theorems as to what would make a marriage work between two individuals. I wondered, what makes a couple stay in love even after decades of being married together, and what makes them fall out of love? It's like a really complicated riddle, a riddle that would reveal it's secrets very grudgingly and sparingly too. It was no wonder I was scared of marriage! How can I make sense out of randomness? How could I protect myself if I don't know the odds? The problem, I realised is that no two marriages are the same just like no two individuals are the same. And that's when it struck me, the success or failure of marriages depend primarily on the two individuals married to each other, and hence has no set patterns or rules. Having solved at least a tiny part of the riddle, I should have felt at least a little emboldened with knowledge but I wasn't! Knowing that I'd have to entrust half of the fate of happiness of my marriage to another person was even more scarier. It's much more easy trust myself! Just as my paranoid brain was working up a panic storm, my parents announced that they are going to start looking for a groom for me. And then I went into full blown red-alert-screaming panic mode. 

(To be continued...) 

It all began like this....

It been a long while since I posted regularly on my old blog. Well, this one is new, and I have promised myself I will post regularly. I got the urge to start this blog after my marriage. My dear, loving husband, Suresh, has been most instrumental in inspiring and encouraging me to start this. Thank you love, for pushing my lazy self into action.

                 So here it is folks. I hope my posts can be a start or a part of a dialogue, a conversation... So you can connect to my writings and know that you are not alone in your crazies. None of us are. All we have to do is voice out our thoughts, start a dialogue... And connect with people.