This has been long overdue... And here's why.

It has been a long time since I last posted "Musings on Marriage - Part 3". It has been so long that I am ashamed to admit that I actually forgot my blog's title. I had to sign in through my g+ account to access my blog! There are a number of reasons for the complete lack of any post or even activity on this blog -- Pregnancy, child birth, being a new mom, studying for exams, taking care of a baby who is so completely depended on me that it consumes me to my very core, and trying to figure out the many uniquely different challenges that comes with motherhood and parenthood (yes, I believe those two should be considered as different experiences).
You might agree with me about the validity of my reasons. You might even say, "It's solid. These are genuine reasons, no one would expect you to do things any differently". Well, why not? Because I am now a mother, I am excused from doing things that feed my spirit? Why am I not expected or even encouraged to dig deep inside of myself to find the will to do something? And by something I am not referring to one's career or anything that might bring the necessary financial stability to the family. Mothers (new moms and seasoned moms) are encouraged (and even expected) to go back to work within eight months of the baby's birth, hit the gym within six months of the delivery, keep house, keep the family together, look after the kids and the husband, and do all this without showing signs of strain on one's mental and physical well being! In conclusion, for the most part, mothers are encouraged to find "something to do" only if it brings financial gains; only if the mother can show a tangible, measurable commodity (money) that will benefit the entire family: only this necessity of financial stability seems to garner universal validation for a mother to venture into something "else" to do besides looking after the family. Any other reason is fodder for judgement and criticism. Doesn't matter if it's positive or negative criticism/judgement. The point is, we mothers are up for perpetual judgement/criticism from within and from around us. All modern parenting books claim "there are no right or wrong choices. You do what feels right to you"!
Now let's take a step back, and assume we are having a microscopic view of a new born's mother's feelings. This is what we will find -- FEAR, GUILT, DOUBT. The trinity that drives a new born's mother near to insanity. This trinity is a by product of combined pressure we mothers put on ourselves, and by the pressure we feel from people around us, from culture, and society. With this trinity in full throttle, do you think anything will feel like a concrete "right"?. In this strain of time (and mind), as a new mom trying to find her feet (and her sanity), we will do anything to gain validation and assurance that we are a "good" mother. We might even give up the will to feed our spirit. But then, over a course of many sleepless nights, of many trials and errors, of many laughter and tears, comes the by product of experience -- confidence in one's journey as a mother and as a parent. It arrives so stealthily that it takes an incident to actually recognise this profound shift. Now keep in mind this confidence is not set in stone... This confidence comes from the knowledge that parenting is a moment to moment journey, its varied experiences shift from moment to moment, and hence, it can only be learned, never mastered or perfected.
Armed with this well-earned confidence, I have now found the will to feed my spirit. This post is the start of my "something to do". My 'something' doesn't have any tangible value, it won't reap me likes or fame, it won't even make it past my small and close circle of friends and family. But that's okay. All those things are just means of seeking validation from the outside. The will that I had gained from hard fought battle with myself seeks no validation. At this point in my life, all my soul really yearns to do is find a means through which I can fully express my authentic self. And I hope that in the process, I could align my purpose and my authentic self.
So here's me, using this blog as one of the many means through which I will strive to express my authentic self. My will has brought me so far. I will now have to make me conquer the true reasons behind me procrastinating the posting of this blog for over a month now.
                                                Time to test my will guys!! See you soon :)

Musings on marriage - Part 3

Groom hunting. A huge feat and responsibility willingly undertaken by the majority of Indian parents. And it is a hunt. A hunt for the best of the best. But I wondered, who is the prey? The would-be-groom or me? Or both of us? Hard to say isn't it? And my Dad is a master huntsman. I have seen him in action when he searched for a groom for my elder sister. His lists of criteria and checklists are amazing. No comprise on the character, ethics (both personal and work) and lifestyle of the would-be groom. He never leaves any stone unturned. All questions regarding the would-be-groom and his family should be investigated and answered to his exacting standard and satisfaction. No two ways about it. And he is meticulous in this. The level of commitment, time, energy and resources he puts into this is amazing. And Amma is his partner in all of this. Both of them together, well, let’s just say they are a formidable team. Nothing gets past them. As for me, well, I felt humbled and cherished. Nothing but unconditional love for us, their daughters, would have invoked such serious commitment to this entire quest. Duty only takes you so far. I realised that for my dad to get into this the way he did, taking into consideration every possible factor with regard to my future happiness, with pure stubborn ‘no’ to compromise, is him expressing his unconditional love for me. And I was no easy child to love. I can attest to being responsible for most of the grey hairs and lost hairs on my parents’ scalps. But they have never once held that against me. (I know, I have the best parentsJ). So when my dad came to me with a proposal that he is really happy about, I didn't have to worry about the would-be-groom’s character, principles, values, etc. I can honestly say to you that my dad made sure I don’t have to worry about that. He answered all my questions truthfully and disclosed full information on the guy and his family. And I realised, that my dad has given me a gift. In taking on full responsibility to vouch for the would-be-groom’s character profile, I am left to worry only about the compatibility of me and this stranger. All I have to do now is to test if there is any possibility for this stranger, one Mr. Suresh Kumar, and myself to be good life partner to each other. So I ask to speak to this guy before I could give/withhold my consent. I was informed that could be arranged the very next day. “The next day” arrived way too soon.

(to be continued…)

Resume of my niece

I was looking through my old journal the other day and came across this one.... It's not a literary masterpiece, but it's honest and from the heart. I am sure it will bring a smile to your lips or at least a faint trace of it :)  

Name           : Magara Yazhini

Age               : 5 months old

Hobbies       : Feeding, sleeping, crying, peeing and pooping

Excel in        : 1) Making anyone fall in love with me within a few minutes of meeting me.

                        2) Wrapping my chithies around my little finger with just my smile, laugh and even                                  my yawn       

                        3) Bringing peace to anyone who look upon me while I am sleeping.

                        4) Snuggling deep into the embrace of anyone holding me.

Specialise in : Reasserting faith in humanity and all that is good and pure.

                 

Musings on marriage - Part 2

Having established that the success and failure of marriage depend on the two individuals involved, I started wondering about how best to possibly prepare for myself for all eventualities. The stakes are huge in a marriage. Especially for women… We are asked to invest our security, both financial and emotional, into the marriage while the men get off easy. In case of failure, it’s always the women who are left to deal with the causalities. Sure we can draw up pre-nups, we should definitely be clever about protecting our financial security but how do we possibly prepare emotionally for marriage? And then I realised, we can protect ourselves in every which way but one – We cannot possibly insure our emotional security. I had to own up to the irrefutable scary truth – I’d have to entrust someone other than my parents with my heart. I’d have to go out on a limb and invest myself in a relationship with a man, with no guarantee of assured happily-ever-after. And that’s when it hit me – I’d also be entrusting my happiness, my marital happiness with my husband. Unlike my peers, I was born into a large family. With numerous aunts, uncles and cousins I have my own ready-made statistical data to observe and learn from. I have witnessed some of my aunts taking life by the balls and daring fate to break their spirit. They are brave, courageous women who have faced much worse than lousy husbands and stale marriages. So I know for a fact that one’s happiness does not depend upon one’s marriage alone. But here’s the thing, when you get right down to the heart of it, we are all looking for connection. Connection with people… It’s this primitive drive that have pushed us to invent so many words and so many languages, so we can express and understand each other. It’s the reason why we call ourselves social beings. To have a deep, heart felt connection with that one person with whom we have decided to spend the rest of our life is what we all strive to achieve in marriage. And here’s the clinch – The two people involved in a marriage have to take this quest for connection together with honesty, integrity, principles, faithfulness, forgiveness and most important of all, love. And it is a quest for life! All I could think at the time was, “How the heck is my dad going to find this man?!”

Musings on marriage - Part 1

Marriage – Until 4 months ago, I would have told anyone it’s one of the scariest word in all languages. My life is littered with wonderful examples of couples with great marriages and horrible, nightmarish ones too. Here's the most scariest thing of all - There's no logic as to the rules that constitute into a successful and fulfilling marriage. It didn't matter if it's an arranged or love marriage. It doesn't matter if the guy is a decade older than you or just a few years older or even younger than you. It doesn't matter if both are from same or different religious and/or caste backgrounds. It didn't matter if you have common interests or completely different personalities.It really didn't matter if you have lived together before your wedding or not. There are instances of both successful and failed (by failed I not only refer to marriages that fell apart but also marriages where women feel trapped with no other option but to stay with the guy) marriages in all the above mentioned scenarios. Numerous study have been conducted as to what makes a marriage successful. Yet none have been foolproof. It seemed to me that the odds on the success or failure of marriages depend on sheer randomness. An institution that has been around since the birth of Gods, should definitely have a pattern, a series of theorems as to what would make a marriage work between two individuals. I wondered, what makes a couple stay in love even after decades of being married together, and what makes them fall out of love? It's like a really complicated riddle, a riddle that would reveal it's secrets very grudgingly and sparingly too. It was no wonder I was scared of marriage! How can I make sense out of randomness? How could I protect myself if I don't know the odds? The problem, I realised is that no two marriages are the same just like no two individuals are the same. And that's when it struck me, the success or failure of marriages depend primarily on the two individuals married to each other, and hence has no set patterns or rules. Having solved at least a tiny part of the riddle, I should have felt at least a little emboldened with knowledge but I wasn't! Knowing that I'd have to entrust half of the fate of happiness of my marriage to another person was even more scarier. It's much more easy trust myself! Just as my paranoid brain was working up a panic storm, my parents announced that they are going to start looking for a groom for me. And then I went into full blown red-alert-screaming panic mode. 

(To be continued...) 

It all began like this....

It been a long while since I posted regularly on my old blog. Well, this one is new, and I have promised myself I will post regularly. I got the urge to start this blog after my marriage. My dear, loving husband, Suresh, has been most instrumental in inspiring and encouraging me to start this. Thank you love, for pushing my lazy self into action.

                 So here it is folks. I hope my posts can be a start or a part of a dialogue, a conversation... So you can connect to my writings and know that you are not alone in your crazies. None of us are. All we have to do is voice out our thoughts, start a dialogue... And connect with people.